Embracing deep pain from early childhood


The proces of embracing pain has become more subtle and subtle over the last year. The bliss and joy continues for weeks instead of days and then ..... new awareness of pain, contraction, pulsing energies in certain spots, sometimes headaches and so on. After giving blessings, after receiving remote blessings or after getting support you become aware of contractions and you start to see new patterns of which you were not aware before.

And in addition more love for myself and surroundings. Experiencing everything much more intensively with the senses. The love for yourself is like you are holding a baby, which does not want to move.

After 21 years of spiritual practice I start to feel floating over the planet. No sense of the physical reality and my body. While walking having the same sensation as in Samadhi's during Yoga meditation. Energy is coming to a stand. Bhagavan explains this leads to joy. The stillness of energy. These words start to make sense while the external world tends to fall into pieces.

Feeling of indifference of my father towards me and his family

The charge of feeling indifference about my family came to the service in November 2009 during 3 to 5 days. I did not care anymore about Linda and Ramon. I wanted to leave. I was extremely angry with Linda. I asked her to leave me in peace and not talk to me. She did not listen. I have said awful things to her.


What was going on in my life? I had meditated on the pain and tiredness in my heart chakra. Had asked helped from Arphita - the female dasa reponsible for the Netherlands - to give me a remote blessing to solve my external world problems fast. Had received help from Deep - Oneness Trainer in the Netherlands - to move deeper inside and feel energies more in my body. The second day in this phase of strong disbalance Linda told me Ramon has asked his mother: Does papa loves me?

When she told me I felt straight away the charge of childhood. I went straight to my meditation cushion and held this feeling. I could pick it from the air and felt it deep in my senses. After 35 years I felt the indifference of my father towards my sister, mother and myself. He wanted to leave us. The charge was residing in me and controlled my life and made me belief I wanted to leave my family.

By embracing this feeling and while holding asking support from the universe I broke through this trauma. I must clarify this is another special type of trauma which continued for years in my childhood and youth. Most often in case we talk about trauma's it is about one instance or event in one's life.

You become so immune for this feeling of your father and as a result it is also more difficult to reach and solve with respect to the Oneness process. It is so deeply rooted in your consciousness and has resided there for so many years it has become part of you without knowing it. It is about the truth about yourself. It is directly linked to my limiting beliefs and disempowering patterns.

Healing, my sick father and sick partners

The emotional absence of my alcoholic father and his sincere stomach illness started both when when I was 7 years. I had to ask my mother these details when writing this page about his illness and the duration, because I only had a few pictures stored in my memory. I remember my father as being very sick for years and laying in front of the radiator and eating yellow yogurt for a long time.

My mother told me it was from 1970 till 1976. In the end surgery took place when I was 14 years old. They took out 2/3 of his stomach, because he had stomach perforations, which are life threatening. The doctor told him to stop drinking for 3 months and then he could drink a little bit again. This doctor should have told him not to drink anymore in his whole life.

Then while meditating I realized my partner Linda would become a Blessing Giver very soon and I start crying intensively. What was going on? In my life I was always attracted to sick women with whom I had a relationship of 4 years, 8 years and currently 10 years. Sequentially Incest, Crohn and Diabetics. It is true my healing skills were tested and boosted. I got recognition from them and they became dependent to some extent.

In the morning of Monday the 7th of December the charge of my fathers illness was felt, my girl friends illness of Crohn was felt, Linda her Diabetics charge was felt and then the insight of living for years close with partners who did not listen to me or in better words did not realize I could teach them. They did not start working on themselves. I just continued to live with them for years. They complained all the time and manipulated me all the time in order not to grow. I realized I was very tired of this situation and pattern originating from my father.

Will Linda be the first partner to break this pattern? It would be a great relief due to Amma and Bhagavan. I could see I had the perception my sister Carin never listened to me in my whole life. My father never listed to me when I was young. They simply did not work on themselves and do not accept me as a teacher. I have been completely ignored by parents and life partners and started helping others, which they critized and supported from time to time.

In the morning of Monday the 7th of December I broke through this trauma. I have never cried so deep in my heart as this time. It went on for about one hour on my meditation cushion and 3 hours afterwards. The feeling of being rejected as a person was related to being rejected as an advisor for life matters. And my sister and her partner where extremely expressive on this matter in the past and where making jokes about it. The anger towards my sister of the last weeks on this matter had helped me to release this charge. I saw this was the same with my life partners and my father. I even realized during this morning meditation Deep had mentioned 3 weeks earlier to me my sister Carin did not accept me as a teacher. At that time it did not trigger emotions. But today it did and it became a roller coaster going back in time to an extreme painfull patterns which had sucked a lot of joy out of my aura for a very long time. Another leak closed ! ha ha.

The next page is refering to the experiences of breaking throught the pain of the seperation from abundance of the Universe at 10 years old during december 2009

In one heart of Joy and Gratitude Hans



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Blessed by Bhagavan


Understanding Our Emotions

Understanding Our Mind

Setting your Goals

Design by Divine

Tracing our Sorrow

Facing our Shadow

Embracing our Pain

Realizing our Purpose

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