Seeing more envy pain in my life


Lack of resources and distance with Bhagavan and my father

I was still very tired in my heart of all the envy stuff. I was invited to become an Oneness Trainer but could not go, because I had to apply for jobs. I could not go to Bhagavan. Underneath was a deeper pain. I was listening in my heart to the song "Walk on water". In many instances in my life lyrics of songs are stored in my memory and out of the blue they popup in order to send a message from the unconsciousness to the consciousness. And then the iPod was switched on.

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Walk on water lyrics by Milk inc

You can hit the play button in case you like to hear the song

There was a time
When nothing would last
There was a time
I held on to the past

I would walk on water
Just to be with you
Walk on water
Just to be with you
Split the ocean
Cross the sea
Walk on water
If you believe

There was a time
I lost my faith
There was a time
I could only hate

You are my shepherd
You are my guide
I follow your dark eyes
Right into the night
You are my savior
You took control
You came and touched my soul

But why are you still overshadowed by a doubt
If only you could see the love that carries me

By feeling the pain of not being able to go to India, I moved instantly to the pain of deeply missing my father and wanted to be with him. The song touched my heart. But he is not in this plane since the 6th of June 1992. I was crying and shaking 2 hours.

During the last 6 years while working on my emotional charges I cried a lot about my father. But this time I was laughing for the first time from the spot in my heart where the extreme tiredness was residing for ages. I was feeling this spot for about 3 months until I could break through it. It was the tiredness of my father at the end of his life. It felt very painfully to stay in it. But my higher self pushed me to do this. I wanted to get rid of this charge.

Envy is everywhere and very close

Everything around me is jealousy and envy. First I was a little bit angry towards the universe about this.

To list a few examples:

My brother in law (my family)
My sister
My sister in law (Linda her family)
My brother in law (Linda her family)
My mother
2 of Linda's girl friends
1 best friend of Linda
Linda her father
Linda her mother
My mother
My father (might be the case because he always gave critics towards me)
My ex girl friend (s)

It is like Linda her family and my family are exactly the same with respect to this matter. We have the same pain from childhood. Love is based on recognition of these charges. This is what attracts persons. I learned the theory before in India. But now ...... it is right in front of my face.


Why can Linda not let go of her best friend who does not seem to be a friend of mine and has been jealous towards me? I thought Linda has been angry towards me all these years. But this is no longer the complete picture! Earlier I noticed both Linda and her best friend always complain about their life partners. At that time I did not related this behavior towards jealousy but now I do. Linda also demonstrated a strong jealousy towards me by complaining all the time. This is what they have in common and for this reason they recognize themselves in each other. I did not see this clearly as today.

She is critizing me for 10 years. Is she a break to stop me from growing? How fast do I want to grow? My father did not grow and all my girl friends did not want to grow either. They refuse to work on themselves. They want to remain in the victum mode. It is like jealous persons feel their underdog position and do not have the mental power to see what they have received from the universe. Their frustration in life is reflected to the persons they love.


Linda was the mirror for this pain inside of me. However the jealousy pain inside of her she received from her jealous mother. Who gave her endless critics and made her extremely insecure. This pain is reflected towards me like an repeating audio tape from a parrot which continues to play. It rules her life and has nothing to do with me.

I came to a point I felt anger to all of these persons in my life. I felt it was everywhere. I felt I could not change this situation. I felt I could better not fight it anymore. I was very tired of this patterns related to envy in my life. But now by looking more closely at it something happend: I was very upset for a couple of days, while going through and embracing this pain.

The insight level 2 manual:

I do have good summaries of the Level 2 processes in India and they lay next to my bed. Sometimes I read a few pages. While being in the midst of this realization on envy and not being able to do anything about it I read one sentence:

Because air goes through your longs it does not become your air!

This sentence made me accept the collective envy in my life. You can not escape envy or any other emotion it is part of the collective human mind. The suffering lays in the perception of a situation and not in the fact itself. You need to deal differently with it.

I instantly became very peacefully in my heart after reading this sentence.

And once again another huge very huge leak closed!

The next page is refering to the experiences of the Oneness Trainer Course Experiences during 2010

In one heart of Joy and Gratitude




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Oneness Effort

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Blessed by Bhagavan


Understanding Our Emotions

Understanding Our Mind

Setting your Goals

Design by Divine

Tracing our Sorrow

Facing our Shadow

Embracing our Pain

Realizing our Purpose

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